Tag: teens

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Family Relationships Teens

101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

Norman Wright is a highly respected marriage, family and child therapist, grief therapist, and certified trauma specialist. He passed away in November 2023 but the 90 plus books he has written remain as relevant and practical as when they were first published. One of the many for me is “101 Questions to Ask before You Get Engaged”.

The idea for this book arose from his interaction with a friend about experiences with dating. Below is an excerpt from something his friend shared.

If there are any bits of advice I could give anyone who is looking for their ideal mate, it is these: Ask questions of anyone you date and store their answers in your memory bank to see if the answers continue to be consistent with their actions. If something appears to be a red flag, confront it and don’t let it slide as “not that big of a deal.” Interact with the other person’s friends (in group settings), such as on camping trips or skiing trips, or play interaction group–type games. If possible, spend time with the other person’s parents (and if any red flags come up, don’t ignore them, because their child is a product of their environment). If there are ways of seeing how the other person will handle pressure situations…put them in it (this way you are able to see how flexible they are or can be, and how they will hold up under pressure). Build a real friendship but stay out of bed, pray together, have similar values and interests in things, come to know the other person’s faults and know that you can accept them, watch to see how they treat their pets, and continue to interview them right up to the last moments before marriage….

I think that this is great advice, and the same advice I have given to many over the years who have approached me for guidance. And it has proven helpful. But before I read this book, all I could offer were general principles and a few specific questions to consider. The persons thinking about getting engaged had to work out for themselves how to apply these general principles.

This book fills in this important practical need of asking specific helpful questions in a comprehensive and systematic manner.  Wright begins by outlining and discussing key general issues that he knows from experience people have and discusses them. After setting this foundation, he literally suggests 101 questions to ask. For each question, he explains its significance and presents questions to reflect on.

For example, this is question 1.

What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?

The answers to these questions are a road map. First, can your partner be vulnerable? Have you seen signs that they can? You want to respond in a way that makes them feel at ease in your presence and not do anything to put a roadblock in their way. Give them every opportunity. Perhaps this is the first safe relationship they’ve experienced. If vulnerability and openness can’t occur here, how can it occur in marriage?

Wright is not suggesting that the person we marry must be perfect. Neither is he suggesting that we must know everything about a person before we get married. It’s not meant to be a check list of exam questions that a potential marriage partner must pass. The questions are meant to be primers to initiate deeper practical and honest conversations of what a healthy marital relationship should be like.

The questions are also meant to help identify potential future issues so a couple is aware and better equipped to deal with them should they decide to get married.

It is about paying attention to the “red flags”, and when to slam on the brakes at the “red lights” if needed.

It is an excellent and practical book. For those who attend pre-marital (Marriage preparation) courses, this book would be an excellent add on.

Reviewed by Pastor Paul Long

Categories
Character Growth Teens

11: Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without

Leonard Sweet, among other things is a theologian, a church historian, and a pastor. In this book, he presents theological insights in a practical, easy to read, and encouraging manner.

The author’s focus in this book is the importance of not just relationships in our lives, but relationships in the context of companionship and spiritual growth. If we want to grow well as a disciple, we need to realize that we need some “indispensable relationships” in our lives. In this book he lists what he sees as 11 essential relationships. Each of these relationships is illustrated based on a biblical character.

What does he see as the 11 essential relationships? In his own words …

WHO’S YOUR NATHAN: You Need an Editor

WHO’S YOUR JONATHAN: You Need a True Friend

WHO’S YOUR JETHRO: You Need a Butt-Kicker

WHO’S YOUR TIMOTHY: You Need an Heir

WHO’S YOUR BARNABAS: You Need an Encourager

WHO’S YOUR PETER/PAUL: You Need a Yoda

WHO’S YOUR DEBORAH: You Need a Back-Coverer

WHO’S YOUR ZACCHAEUS: You Need a Reject

WHO’S YOUR RHODA: You Need a “Little One”

WHO ARE YOUR VIPS: You Need a Lydia and Lazarus, Rich and Poor

WHERE’S YOUR JERUSALEM: You Need a Place

THE INVISIBLE 12TH: You Need the Paraclete

What I find helpful is that as Sweet discusses each relationship, he illustrates widely from the Bible, as well as from historical stories, classic and contemporary literature, and everyday real-life examples and issues. His illustrations connect on many different levels.

He makes clear that putting theory to practice requires commitment, authenticity, and can be painful. But he also makes clear of the great benefits. And for each chapter, he provides many challenging questions for deeper Bible study as well as personal reflection.

If you want to grow as a disciple this is a book worth reading and reflecting on.

The real meaning of life is not a journey question or an arrival question. It’s a relationship question. Your journey and your destination are both important, but neither is possible without an answer to this prior question: Who do you have with you?

Leonard Sweet

Reviewed by Paul Long

Categories
Biography Family Teens

Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son’s Journey to God. A Broken Mother’s Search for Hope

Published testimonies from Christians who have same-sex attractions are nothing too unusual. However, “Out of a Far Country” has a big difference, it consists of TWO people’s testimonies – one of the prodigal son and one of the always-welcoming mother. What makes this approach interesting is that every chapter alternates between the testimony and point of view of the son (Christopher Yuan) and his mother (Angela Yuan). So you’re literally seeing the story unfold from 2 people’s point of view – each coming from their own perspective, giving us essentially 2 sides of the same story. Layered on top of that, you get to see the unique personal struggles of both Christopher and Angela – both of them struggled with very different things, and how God worked on Christopher through his journey with same sex attractions, addictions, high-flying LGBT lifestyle and drugs, while Angela struggled with her son’s rejection of her love, her son’s homosexuality, her strained marriage and her broken past. It’s a book filled with the full range of human emotions and God’s work in turning them both from unbelief to belief, from hopelessness to hope and from death to life.

What really struck me about this book is how well-written and well-articulated it is. The writing is refined, it’s not crass, it flows extremely well chapter-to-chapter. When reading it, I felt the pain, desperation, turning points and joy that both Christopher and Angela experienced. The descriptions were so vivid that it felt as if I was present at the dining table with Angela, at the dining table with Chris and family, at the train station with Angela, at the parties then in jail with Chris, and at the prayer room with Angela, and so on. Because Christopher and Angela Yuan have both gone through so much in their lives, there is so much to follow in the book and it kept me reading literally non-stop. Every chapter spurred me on to read “just one more chapter” because I was keen to find out what happened to them next. Furthermore, because each chapter is quite short, I end up reading a good number of chapters on each sitting! And every chapter feels different and interesting. Because it comes from two angles, it made this book twice as touching and impactful for me. I found myself cheering for Angela, for Leon (Christopher’s father) and of course, Chris himself. It is a modern real-life tale of the prodigal son and long-suffering parents… and a long-suffering God, who loved them all so much that He gave His Son for them all, and saved the Yuan’s entire family.

I said there was a sting in the end and the sting is this: I felt a bit sad at the end because Christopher indicated that he continues to live with the reality of HIV, and so he must continue to monitor himself – and there may come a point in time he may have to actually start taking medication to treat it. That said, it is so good to see how God had completely turned the Yuan family’s lives around – especially Christopher, when he could’ve been dead countless times! Highly recommended.

Reviewed by Jin Wan

Categories
Devotional Growth Sermon Teens

Do not be true to yourself: countercultural advice for the rest of your life

I like Kevin DeYoung. His preaching is versatile and he is able to adjust his sermons to Christians of different maturity levels and different age groups. He has written a number of short books which are easy to pick up and quick to read. Who doesn’t like short books? It gives you a sense of achievement in finishing a book quick! While his short books can be short (he writes longer books too), they are by no means shallow or unchallenging.

I picked up “Do not be true to yourself: countercultural advice for the rest of your life” because well, the title grabbed me! In an age when the world keeps telling you to “be true to yourself”, “follow your own passion” and so on, “do not be true to yourself” is a rather counter-intuitive piece of advice, but hey, anything that goes against the grain of the world can’t be wrong, can it?

This book is easy to pick up, because it is based on sermons that DeYoung preached to students and graduates at baccalaureate and commencement services. Therefore the 5 sermon adaptation in this book is written and targeted to teens and young adults. One look at the headings and it will give you an idea of what this book is about: “Don’t be true to yourself”, “Choose for yourselves”, “The first day of the next chapter of your life”, “Two ways to live” and “Horseshoes, Hand Grenades and the Kingdom of God”. This book is about choices you make while you are young. Make the right choices while you are young and you can enjoy God for longer while on earth. The book has an Ecclesiastes 12:1 ring to it: “Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, ‘I have no pleasure in them'”

It’s only 56 pages, and you can easily read the book in one reading – what an achievement! It is very easy to understand, and you will take away something practical in every single one of the five short chapters. It’s a good reminder of how Jesus commands those who are His disciples to live on earth. A quote from the book: “You should not be true to yourself, unless you have died to your old self and your new self is raised with Christ and seated with him in the heavenly places.” Good stuff!

Reviewed by Jin Wan