Norman Wright is a highly respected marriage, family and child therapist, grief therapist, and certified trauma specialist. He passed away in November 2023 but the 90 plus books he has written remain as relevant and practical as when they were first published. One of the many for me is “101 Questions to Ask before You Get Engaged”.
The idea for this book arose from his interaction with a friend about experiences with dating. Below is an excerpt from something his friend shared.
If there are any bits of advice I could give anyone who is looking for their ideal mate, it is these: Ask questions of anyone you date and store their answers in your memory bank to see if the answers continue to be consistent with their actions. If something appears to be a red flag, confront it and don’t let it slide as “not that big of a deal.” Interact with the other person’s friends (in group settings), such as on camping trips or skiing trips, or play interaction group–type games. If possible, spend time with the other person’s parents (and if any red flags come up, don’t ignore them, because their child is a product of their environment). If there are ways of seeing how the other person will handle pressure situations…put them in it (this way you are able to see how flexible they are or can be, and how they will hold up under pressure). Build a real friendship but stay out of bed, pray together, have similar values and interests in things, come to know the other person’s faults and know that you can accept them, watch to see how they treat their pets, and continue to interview them right up to the last moments before marriage….
I think that this is great advice, and the same advice I have given to many over the years who have approached me for guidance. And it has proven helpful. But before I read this book, all I could offer were general principles and a few specific questions to consider. The persons thinking about getting engaged had to work out for themselves how to apply these general principles.
This book fills in this important practical need of asking specific helpful questions in a comprehensive and systematic manner. Wright begins by outlining and discussing key general issues that he knows from experience people have and discusses them. After setting this foundation, he literally suggests 101 questions to ask. For each question, he explains its significance and presents questions to reflect on.
For example, this is question 1.
What makes it easy for you to be open and vulnerable, and what makes it difficult?
The answers to these questions are a road map. First, can your partner be vulnerable? Have you seen signs that they can? You want to respond in a way that makes them feel at ease in your presence and not do anything to put a roadblock in their way. Give them every opportunity. Perhaps this is the first safe relationship they’ve experienced. If vulnerability and openness can’t occur here, how can it occur in marriage?
Wright is not suggesting that the person we marry must be perfect. Neither is he suggesting that we must know everything about a person before we get married. It’s not meant to be a check list of exam questions that a potential marriage partner must pass. The questions are meant to be primers to initiate deeper practical and honest conversations of what a healthy marital relationship should be like.
The questions are also meant to help identify potential future issues so a couple is aware and better equipped to deal with them should they decide to get married.
It is about paying attention to the “red flags”, and when to slam on the brakes at the “red lights” if needed.
It is an excellent and practical book. For those who attend pre-marital (Marriage preparation) courses, this book would be an excellent add on.
Reviewed by Pastor Paul Long